Ahimsa

Today I learned what it means to put another's needs before your own.
Today I learned what it means to stop, to reflect, to realize that just because this feels right to you, it may not be the right thing for the other person.

I've spent years focusing on myself and my own needs because that is what I needed. To heal, to root, to grow. For a time this is often all the emerging spirit can do. What am I, what do I need, what do I yearn for. This is good. This is healthy. This has a limit.

I wanted to see him, wanted to reconnect, wanted to help heal the wounds I inflicted. I thought I had to be there to help him. I was wrong.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is leave.

I saw and felt the pain in him and I knew it was because of me and I collapsed inside and I knew I had done wrong. I knew I had gone too far, talked too much, laughed too much, touched too much.

Or maybe it was just enough for us both to know: this is the end. Maybe.

Know yourself well enough to know the effect that you have on others. Know yourself well enough to stop.

I have never felt so humbled. In the presence of a soul so strong and so beautiful I saw that I was doing nothing but holding it back. In my heart I bowed to him and slowly stepped back and let him go.

I let go. It hurts me but that doesn't matter, because he's all that matters now. I will no longer let my wants get in the way of his needs.

I no longer know what love means. It is silly, really, to try and put the fire in our beings into one word. The term encompasses so much, and in its vastness generates so much confusion. I love you, I said. I will always love you. But though the words were true, they could not possibly communicate to him what I felt. I love you but I can't. That was all I could say. And to a healing heart, those words are daggers.

You are perfect. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are more than these earthly words could ever describe.

I have learned my lesson.

I am so sorry.

Ahimsa. Nonviolence. Do not injure.

Heart Opener

My writing muscles are severely atrophied, friends. Thankfully, the course I'm currently taking in economic rhetoric has several 6-8 minute mandatory freewrites each class, and this was the product of one such session. Of course it's about yoga, as that is the channel through which my spirit expresses itself nowadays. This is the first time I've been able to put what the practice means to me into more or less understandable words. The prompt for this freewrite was write about something you spend a lot of time on that you want to get better at. Here it is with some minor edits (punctuation tends to take a backseat when I write that quickly).



I spend a lot of time on yoga. It is not necessarily because I want to get better at it; it is more because I want to negate the notion of “better” and immerse myself in the present moment as much as I can. I used to spend a lot (maybe all) of my time thinking about the future, thinking “I’ll be happy when this happens” or “I’ll be happy when I become this”. The irony is that none of those things would come without immersion in the present.

Yoga teaches, and has taught me, to notice the present instead of planning for better things in the future (planning for the future is not a negative thing; it was just something I needed to minimize in my own life).
Notice your breathing, notice what is worrying you; don’t necessarily try to change it, just be aware of it.

For example, yoga has a list of what you would call “behavioral guidelines”: the yamas and niyamas. I’ve only just begun to study them, but the impression I’ve gotten is that instead of preaching “rights” and condemning “wrongs”, it teaches you to notice and be aware of your thoughts, actions, and feelings. It has been my experience that this brings about positive change in a natural, rather than forced, way, and that these changes are different for every individual.

I became an almost vegan.
I started listening to my body.
I stopped watching TV every day; my mind and my body wanted something different.
I stopped hating (I still dislike).
I learned to recognize the difference between what I can change and what I cannot, and to take action in the case of the former and learn acceptance in the case of the latter.
I’m slowly learning the true meaning of “attachment leads to suffering”, and that it does not mean stop loving, but stop needing to possess what you love.

Yoga teaches you to teach yourself.




I feel it in the core of my being, an ocean rising in me, rushing through me. I look inside and see beaming light in my heart.

Behavioral economics teaches that there are two selves: the experiencing self and the remembering self. The experiencing self exists in the present ("living in the moment", with a moment defined as a span of about 3 seconds). The remembering self is made up of memories, including plans for future memories.

The two selves define well-being very differently. The experiencing self asks the question: am I happy right now? The remembering self asks: am I satisfied with my life?

Both have a place; both are important. I used to be unhappy in both aspects because I focused entirely on the satisfaction of the remembering self. I made no effort to fill each moment with joy. Once I did, the gap began to close. I became full and I began to expand. Abundant and vast, content and hungry for more.



Happy friday, beautiful beings.

xoxo
Juliana

Roots

Down, out and around
I dig my fingers
Into the earth
Of my body
Feeling for tendrils
Woven together

Eyes looking inward
I search for my roots
The seeds of my spirit
The beat of my heart

Down, out and around
I dig my toes
Into the sand
Of my soul
Piecing together
Fragmented boulders

Eyes looking inward
I search for my roots
The seeds of my spirit
The beat of my heart




xoxo
Juliana

Banana Pancakes

Just GETTING STOKED BECAUSE I GET TO GO TO KAUAI TOMORROW, and this is my anthem.
My sincere apologies to anyone who thought this was a recipe for banana pancakes, it's just me singing half of a song in a hoodie in my kitchen.



Hello rainforest hikes, waterfall dips, surfing, snorkeling, exploring sea caves, lying on the beach with a book...

(sorry for bragging)

xoxo
Juliana

Forever Has No Place

"I used to think commitment guaranteed forever, but it doesn’t. Nothing in life is guaranteed. No one can promise you forever even if they intend it. In a sense, an end brought me more security.

Maybe they are not here for the long haul. For the trip down the aisle. Or even the day after tomorrow, but right now they are here and right now is instantly gratifying. “Forever,” has no place in a constantly changing world.

Loving those I could not have taught me a lot about love and even life. I learned that there was strength in letting go, more so than holding on. I learned to stop trying to keep human beings. To love without wanting to possess, because I did not need to have anyone.

Someday I will choose to love someone who chooses to love me one day at a time and before we know it we have spent our whole lives together, and only in death will we part. Until then my heart will love who it loves, even if I can’t have them forever."

Taken from this article on Elephant Journal.


Love now, love fully. Love without needing to possess. Love without needing promises of forever.

Catch yourself closing down, and open and soften at that point instead of building up armor.

Be unconditionally kind to yourself; be a living prayer of gratitude.



xoxo
Juliana

Banana Almond Smoothie + Coconut Body Butter

Hey y'all. If you want to make a really yummy smoothie and/or a super rich, indulgent body butter--and not make a trip to the grocery store--this might just be the post for you.

First up we have The Smoothie.



This is such a simple recipe, but the combination was so delicious I had to share it.

Ingredients:
2 cups unsweetened almond milk
2-3 cups frozen bananas
1 heaping spoonful of almond butter
1 heaping spoonful of chia seeds

Unfortunately I didn't think to *actually* measure out the ingredients as I was making it, so these are estimates. I usually air on the side of less liquid (the almond milk) and more fruit, because you can make a thicker smoothie thinner, but once you have a watery smoothie sometimes there ain't no place else to go (assuming you have a finite number of bananas like me...a sad, sad thing).

I made mine very thick because unless I'm on the go, I like to eat my smoothies with a spoon. Mmmm mmm.

Second is The Butter.

The reason this ended up being made is the reason why I love my best friend. We were drooling over handcrafted somethingorothers on Etsy last night, which included a "wildcrafted whipped shea butter with essential oils". And I'm like, I bet you can do that with coconut oil. And she's like, oh you totally can. And I'm like, well okay I'm gonna go get the mixer.

And we made this delicious stuff and proceeded to slather our bodies with it.



Ingredients:

Coconut oil

And that's it. No, really.

We added lavender oil because we had it (you can add any essential oils you like), but literally all you need to do is put a few spoonfuls of coconut oil in a bowl (NOT melted!) and go at it with a mixer. In a minute it will fluff up and take on the texture of a cream. So really, this is more like a little secret than a recipe.

We stored it in a mini mason jar for future use. It'll keep just as long as regular jarred coconut oil as long as you don't add water to it. It's wonderful as a massage oil or for treating dry skin; I like to leave it on my face for a while and then gently rinse and towel it off with a washcloth. It leaves my skin so soft and glowy, and coconut oil is also antibacterial, so it's great for fighting acne (pow pow).

And there you have it, folks. Some easy peasy recipes. Perfect for the crafty procrastinator (I say that because I may have done this instead of doing my homework).

Just to tack on a tidbit about my life nowadays...look who finally got a ring put in!



I've been meaning to replace my stud for a while, and I finally found a couple hours to go do it.

I hope these beautiful sunny days are treating you well!

xoxo
Juliana

Humility

I have always loved the ocean. To me she always been a great and loving giver of life, keeper of wonders and mother of mer-creatures, cool and soothing and glistening.

Today, she showed me her strength. I found out that she is not only great and loving, but also great and terrible, a taker of life as well as a giver. She is icy and tumultuous and utterly wild. She cannot be tamed.
Today she said to me, this is what I can do. Don't underestimate me. She took away my senses, my breath and all control as she tossed me under wave after wave. She made sure I would never forget that I am small and she is the master.

Here's a little something to wrench your gut out. The waves I was riding had 4 foot faces, but goddamn, this is what it felt like to me.


The gnarliest wave ever in Tahiti.

Balance

On April 28th at 9:30 pm, I did my first real headstand.



Fear, together with an understanding of my own body that is still in the beginning stages, kept me up against the wall for a good while. But with determination ("I know I'll do it someday") and slow and steady practice ("I need to build up my goddamn core"), progress is inevitable. And so, with a very controlled little leap and then some crazy core concentration to get my other leg up, I DID MY HEADSTAND!

Working my way up to this point--throwing myself up, falling, panicking--made me feel like a million pounds. My legs felt half like jelly and half like plutonium, heavy and clumsy and never going where I wanted them to.

The funny thing is, once I was up there, I felt incredibly light. Once I got it, finding that little flat place on my head and finally aligning my body, I felt like a feather. My whole body was engaged, and I still have to concentrate to stay in it, but I think I am beginning to discover the meaning of balance.

xoxo
Juliana

The Green Life (+ Pasta Recipe)

Ah, Spring. Everything's green! Smoothies, noodles, a certain herb celebrated in a certain meadow on April the 20th...


Me and my girl Anna doing smoothies in the forest

I've been eating/blending/playing with all the green things I can find lately. Kale, dandelion greens, macha, parsley, nettle, the works. A few days ago I came across a delightful looking recipe for spring pasta, which I will now pass along to you. The sauce is bright and zesty and super light, and left me feeling invigorated in a way that pasta usually doesn't (I'm talking about wanting to lie down and sleep after a big bowl of spaghetti).



Ingredients:
1 head of spinach, 1 handful of dandelion greens, 1 handful of kale
1 handful of fresh parsley
1-2 cloves of garlic
1 inch piece of fresh ginger
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/2 avocado
juice from 1 lemon
1/4 tsp. salt
1 cup coconut milk

Directions:
Steam the spinach, dandelion greens, and kale very lightly; I left them in there for about a minute, until they turned a brighter shade of green and started to wilt just a little bit. Then do any necessary chopping and throw it all in a food processor, and you're done! I used quinoa spaghetti-style pasta, but you go crazy and use whatever noodles you want. I also seasoned it with some red pepper flakes and nutritional yeast.

I used a fair bit of extra parsley and garlic, making it into something of a superfood chimichurri sauce. I stored what was leftover in the fridge and it's turned out to be super versatile; I've used it on various other dishes already (mostly grain and vegetable medleys). Nutritious and delicious.

Happy Spring, and here's to my love Summer already peeking playfully around the corner.

xoxo
Juliana

The Spring Winds Blow Wild & Free

"The Pink Moon is an exciting time of unsettled energy. We feel the urge to try new things and move ahead. Tonight, as the Pink Moon rises, tap into this energy."
- Witches' Datebook

Sometimes, when I haven't written and read and been upside down and listened to music that makes me cry in a while, I forget that I believe in magic. I forget how to reach in and touch the place inside of me that reminds me what I am, and why the part I have to play is unique and necessary and inevitable.

School has been making me feel one-dimensional lately. I've been comparing myself too much to those around me, wondering why I'm not as gifted and advanced as the guy over there landing top internships and understanding principles in a second that take me hours to comprehend. I remember that it takes hard work, and I remember that I have different gifts, but the fact that my gifts don't make money has been weighing on me. I know it's stupid. I'm not failing my classes; I'm doing quite well. I find what I'm learning fascinating. But I know that I'll never be the best, and as realistic and totally normal that is--the best is subjective, and even so, there can only be one at the top--it's a hard truth to stomach for someone who is really trying for the first time in her life.

It is imperative to remember that you are not your major or your job. At least, it is for me. These are all parts, and as the ultimate designer of your own self, it is up to you to decide what defines you. You can have as many parts as you want, and any one of them can take center stage at any time. These parts can be works in progress: today I am an aspiring surfer (took my first class on Tuesday), an aspiring yogi (did my first handstand today), and an aspiring well-rounded software engineer. Furthermore, deciding to do or be something can come from completely out of the blue. An identifiable catalyst is not necessary; sometimes, from the abyss, comes life.

Sometimes I have to remember that, as cliche as it sounds, the thing I am the best at is being me, no matter where my career takes me and what hobbies I pursue (and screw that word, it negates the importance of life outside moneymaking). All I have to do is keep going.

Has Spring's rebirth awakened anything in you?

Toxicity

Oh hey guys, it's been a while. Where have I been, you ask? Doing homework, doing yoga, going to class, gardening, sleeping, eating...and attempting to rid my body of toxic chemicals.

Over the last few months, a new hyperawareness of what I put in and on my body has caused me to change nearly all of my personal care practices (and my diet--see this post, which still holds today). I've always considered myself a user of "natural products", not because it was something I really believed in, but because my mother did, and nearly everything I used growing up was bought by her.

Now, a few years into living on my own, I've accumulated dozens and dozens of aesthetically pleasing, perfection-promising, plastic-bottled products whose ingredient lists I have not, until now, really looked at. So today, I give you a nowhere near exhaustive list of the scary stuff I've been soaking up.

Also, before you read this and think differently of me (ew, she's so artificial), I'd like to note that I no longer use shampoo and conditioner. I've gone full-on baking soda and water once a week, which I adopted about a month ago because my poor hair--now waist length--was begging to be given back its natural oils (it works better than any commercial product I've ever used, by the way). I had not, however, thrown out my old bottles of chemicals, and after watching the video below earlier today, I decided to get them out and really examine what I had been putting on my body.



I hope you take some time to read all the chemicals I listed, because it took me a long freakin' time to write them all out(methylchloroisothiazolinone was particularly lovely). For some scary words and numbers, see the lists below; for my angry/confused analysis of them, see even farther below.

Important: this is by no means a scholarly paper. I haven't cited sources and this is more me rambling than preaching to anyone about how they should live their lives. If you have questions about where I got information, however, feel free to ask.

Ingredients in my Burt's Bees Lip Balm with Mango Butter:
1. sunflower seed oil
2. coconut oil
3. beeswax
4. natural flavor
5. castor seed oil
6. mango seed butter
7. lanolin
8. ammonium glycyrrhizinate
9. tocopherol
10. rosemary leaf extract
11. soybean oil
12. canola oil
13. limonene
14. linalool

Number of ingredients I recognize AND understand: 9/14, or ~64%


Okay, I might have some weird shit on my lips.

Ingredients in my Alba Botanical Mineral Terra Tints SPF 15 Lip Balm:
1. zinc oxide
2. coconut oil
3. sunflower seed oil
4. candelilla wax
5. beeswax
6. caprylic/capric triglyceride
7. rice bran wax
8. iron oxides
9. mica
10. peppermint oil
11. olive fruit oil
12. calendula officinalis flower extract
13. echinacea purpurea extract
14. stevia rebaudiana leaf/stem extract
15. polyhydroxystearic acid
16. polyglyceryl-3 dilostearate
17. tocopheryl acetate
18. triethoxycaprylylsilane
19. limonene
20. linalool
21. manganese violet

Number of ingredients I recognize AND understand: 9/21, or ~43%

Ingredients in my Head and Shoulders Classic Clean Dandruff Shampoo:
1. pyrithione zinc
2. water
3. sodium lauryl sulfate
4. sodium laureth sulfate
5. glycol distearate
6. zinc carbonate
7. sodium chloride
8. sodium xylenesulfonate
9. cocamidopropyl betaine
10. fragrance
11. dimethicone
12. sodium benzoate
13. guar hydroxypropyltrimonium chloride
14. magnesium carbonate hydroxide
15. methylchloroisothiazolinone
16. methylisothiazolinone
17. blue 1
18. red 33

Number of ingredients I recognize AND understand: 3/18, or ~17%


Okay, WHAT IN GOD'S NAME HAVE I BEEN PUTTING IN MY HAIR.

Ingredients in my Herbal Essences Hello Hydration Moisturizing Conditioner:
1. water
2. stearyl alcohol
3. behentrimonium chloride
4. cetyl alcohol
5. bis-aminopropyl dimethicone
6. zea mays (corn) silk extract
7. orchis mascula flower extract
8. coconut fruit extract
9. fragrance
10. benzyl alcohol
11. disodium edta
12. sodium hydroxide
14. methylchloroisothiazolinone
15. methylisothiazolinone
16. blue 1

Number of ingredients I recognize AND understand: 3/16, or ~19%

And, a breath of fresh air:
Ingredients in my Waxelene (a petroleum jelly substitute):
1. organic soy oil
2. beeswax
3. natural vitamin e oil
4. organic rosemary oil

Number of ingredients I recognize AND understand: 4/4, 100%!

Whoa.
What in the hell is cocamidopropyl betaine? Bis-aminopropyl dimethicone? Why are there three types of alcohol in my "hydrating" conditioner? Vaguest of all: what is "fragrance"?

Note: I stopped after these five products. Hopefully my made-for-babies face cream and unscented, sensitive-skin-sensitive body lotion won't give me a heart attack when I look at them later.

So what do these things mean? I looked it up.

The Not Bad At All
Some of the unrecognizable ones (to me) are not, actually, "bad" for you. For example, lanolin is a skin protectant extracted from the wool of sheep by soaking it in water and filtering the residue. When added to beauty products such as lip balm, it aids in the retention of moisture. Ok, so the secretions of the sebaceous glands of sheep are on my lips, but that's not too bad. Benzyl alcohol is actually found naturally in essential oils such as ylang-ylang and hyacinth, and stearyl alcohol is a fatty alcohol derived from coconut oil. Limonene and linalool are natural scents found in a number of fruits and spices. And, of course, my Waxelene is great stuff (I highly recommend it).

The Kind Of Unpleasant Ones
Some of them are not dangerous, but I don't really want them in or on me. For example, cocamidopropyl betaine was voted Allergen of the Year by the American Contact Dermatitis Society. Yeah. Not interested.

The Toxic Stuff
Some of these ingredients, though, are flat-out toxic (on varying levels, but I don't even want a little bit). Disodium edta, for example. Think "edta" is kind of a weird word? That's because its the shortened version of Ethylenediaminetetraacetic acid, a cytotoxic (toxic to cells) compound used in products to improve their stability in air. Animal testing has shown it to cause reproductive and developmental defects. In addition to what it does to your body, it takes its sweet time degrading once tossed/poured down the drain. Not great for you or Mother Earth.

Searching sodium xylenesulfonate sent me to a chemical bulk-ordering site that gave the following warnings to the purchaser:

Acute toxicity (oral, dermal, inhalation), category 4
Skin irritation, category 2
Eye irritation, category 2
Skin sensitisation, category 1
Specific Target Organ Toxicity – Single exposure, category 3

And to think, I was trying to heal my scalp with that shampoo.

The What The EFF IS THIS Stuff
Some searches on these ingredients--for example, triethoxycaprylylsilane--resulted only in redirections to scientific papers that I could not make heads or tails of (I just know it's a silicone that works as an emulsifier, but nothing will tell me if it's safe or not). Information on polyhydroxystearic acid is limited to articles about how little is known about the substance.


The Gist Of It
To be honest, I didn't even look up all the ingredients. The truth is I don't want to use products I have to spend hours researching in order to feel safe, comfortable and natural. It's so much easier for me to pour some baking soda on my head and make some natural, 3-4 ingredient shaving cream (because--confession--I'm still using the conditioner to shave). I'd rather take all that researching time and make my own lip balm and moisturizer instead.

I'd rather be closer to my body's natural state, my blueprint, how nature intended me to be. I'd rather do less than do more.

I'd rather identify with myself than with a brand or a product, because honestly, the reason most of these products get away with this is that they're not just selling you a bottle, they're selling you an idea, a dream, a lifestyle, even an identity. See the nearest skincare, haircare, or makeup ad for a prime example of this. Or, you know what? See here.



So much more provocative than baking soda.

I believe I promised I wouldn't preach, but I can't help but strongly, strongly encourage awareness. Know what you're putting in your body: what you're eating, breathing, and applying. In the end, if you're okay with the chemicals, that's fine. I know plenty of people who simply don't mind, and their personal care routine is not for me to decide.

But for what it's worth, I think baking soda would enjoy a significant boost in popularity if more people researched the ingredients on their shampoo bottles.

Wishing you all happiness and health,

xoxo
Juliana

How I Want to Write

I should be sleeping right now. I already slept all of last night and then napped for six hours today, but it's not yet enough. See, I made a promise to myself at the start of this quarter: I'm going to make the most of every moment. That means committing to getting the most out of every class, choosing to be more active, more social, more involved. It means, to provide an example of a typical day, biking from class to yoga to class to get groceries to the beach to dinner to lab to back home finally to sleep.

As you can imagine, I'm incredibly happy and incredibly tired, and once a week or so I have to cancel something and take a massive nap. And that's okay with me.

Unfortunately, this doesn't leave much time for blog posts. I'm formulating a plan to carry a camera around with me and let pictures do some of the talking, especially since the weather here in the Cruz is beautiful right now. I say "beautiful" because that is how I typically think of 80 degrees and sunny (the summer child in me is brimming with happiness), but it's impossible for me to ignore that this is far from normal for January in Northern California.

To provide a bit of relief from the wall of text, check this girl, Remi Wolf, out. Our families have been running in the same crowd since we were all wee kindergarteners, and now she's on American Idol! I remember her when she was tiny and performing in our elementary school talent show. She's got a certain something, hasn't she? Evidenced by her hair, the depth of her voice, the fact that she's 17 and singing a Marvin Gaye song...



xoxo
Juliana

The Same Place

After the honeymoon is over — it’s after the desire systems that were dormant in the relationship that have the attraction in it pass and all of it passes — then you are left with the work to do. And it’s the same work. When you trade in one partner for another, you still have the same work. You’re going to have to do it sooner or later when the pizzazz is over. And it just keeps going over. And you can’t milk the romanticism of relationship too long as you become more conscious. It’s more interesting than that. It really is. And people want to romanticize their lives all the time. It’s part of the culture. But the awakening process starts to show you the emptiness of that forum. And you start to go for something deeper. You start to go to meet another human being in truth. And truth is scary. Truth has bad breath at times; truth is boring; truth burns the food; truth is all the stuff. Truth has anger; truth has all of it. And you stay in it and you keep working with it and your keep opening to it and you keep deepening it. Every time you trade in a partner, you realize that there’s no good or bad about it. I’m not talking good or bad about this.


But you begin to see how you keep coming to the same place in relationships, and then you tend to stop because it gets too heavy – because your identity gets threatened too much. For the relationship to move to the next level of truth requires an opening and a vulnerability that you’re not quite ready to make. And so you entrench, you retrench, you pull back and then you start to judge and push away and then you move to the next one. And then you have the rush of the openness and then the same thing starts to happen. And so you keep saying “Where am I going to find the one when this doesn’t happen?” And it will only happen when it doesn’t happen in you. When you start to take and watch the stuff and get quiet enough inside yourself, so you can take that process as it’s happening and start to work with it. And keep coming back to living truth in yourself or the other person even though it’s scary and hard.

-Ram Dass




Allow me to present a hypothesis.

Love is accepting the truth; embracing the process; deciding to put in the time and the effort. True love happens when, as the name would suggest, one understands and accepts who one truly is, and is secure enough to share it with another who has found that same truth within themselves. It's when, after discovering what piece of the puzzle you are, you find another puzzle piece, also aware of itself, that fits you.

Yet, conversely, you are unlike a puzzle piece in the way that you yourself are a whole. You complete yourself. You do not need other pieces to define you.

I think that only when I stop wondering what other piece will fit me, what being will become aware of its truth and mine, will I become whole and true. Only when I let go will I be able to, perhaps, link myself with another in a way deeper than that which I've known.

You come to the same place in each relationship. The excitement and the bliss will eventually reveal, beneath them, the same work. It is only when I and another understand this, accept this, and commit to sharing reality together that love will evolve and endure.

What I don't know is whether this analysis is a sign of growth or being stuck in a pondering rut.

A Timeless Dream

This new year has me looking back...on the romantic dreams of my tween days and the one-hit wonders that served as the soundtrack to my life.

Remember this?



And this?? (Vanessa Carlton was more than a one-hit wonder, to be fair.)



How about this? (Of course you remember this.)



And this...the song that I pictured every boy I had a crush on singing to me. Oh lord. I'm just now finding out what Daniel Bedingfield looks like...I think I'll stick to the Latino dreamboat I pictured as a 12 year old.



I listened to these (and a lot more, trust me, I spared you) over and over on my beloved cassette tapes that my uncle mixed for me using the very first music pirating software. Point is, they still make me melt. Oh, what the years can't change, hard as they try (trust me I tried, during my "no mainstream music whatsoever" phase).

What were the romantic dreams of the 10-13 year old me, you ask? Just what any girl would want: a musical, poetic, intense-eyed hunk whose dream girl was me. Reasonable, right?

But I suppose what I was really hoping for, underneath it all, was something and someone special. And looking back on the years since then, I can say with certainty and a smile that what I hoped for came true. Everything that has happened, that which has come and gone and left its mark, has been special to me.

I don't feel as if I've loved and lost, only loved. And the dreamer in me hasn't been silenced. What more could I ask for?

Happy New Year, and happy new moon. May this coming morning be, as with every other morning, an opportunity to live your dreams and see the best in the world.

xoxo
Juliana

A California Christmas

It's not exactly snowy here in the bay area. The leaves are still falling...



Flowers are still in bloom...



Fruits are still ripening.


But our wintry spirit will not be deterred by this faux wintry weather. We will make gingerbread, even if we keep the dough in the fridge too long and have to thaw it in the 64 degree sun outside.




Guarding the gingerbread against cookie dough burglars.



We'll convert the courtyard into an enclosed, heated hall for Christmas Eve dinner.


Little sister cleaning obsessively (when she was 4 or 5, she asked for a broom for Christmas).


Imagine this with lights, space heaters, a big rug, and a candlelit food-laden table in the center. Too much? Maybe, but worth it.

We'll add to the stars in the sky. Aren't these beautiful?



We'll do outdoor yoga in little clothing in the backyard. I unfortunately don't have a picture of that, as I was upside down at the time. I'll continue to ponder my vegetarianism and why I'm somehow not bothered by eating fish. I'll go see "the Hobbit 2"--absolutely ridiculous--with a fellow Tolkien purist so we can list every little thing that's wrong with it (already working on an informative, if a bit rant-y, post on that subject). I'll see some dear friends visiting from near and far, make my Christmas sangria, henna my hair, get *something else* pierced, continue to try and do an unsupported forearm stand...

I could go on and on. Soon classes will be in session again, but until then, I'm trying to spend as little time as I can sleeping and as much time as I can doing things I love with the people I love. To-do outpaces done, and fortunately I thrive on to-do lists. Especially when the lists include things like "bake cookies" and "go on a hike" (aw, really? Do I have to?).

On a perhaps less cheery note: today, as I watched my mother write out her list of every obligatory present we had to buy for everyone we know, I felt the holiday spirit was a little lost. I found myself thinking how nice it would be if people didn't expect presents by a deadline. Nevertheless, until I decide if I want to try and convince our family to change the system, I'll abide by the current constructs. While I haven't the money to buy anyone Christmas presents this year, I'm doing my best to be super crafty and thoughtful and come up with costless gifts for my clan. I'm telling you, it's not easy being creative. Maybe I'll make everyone gingerbread cookies? In their likeness?



I also found some uberadorable fairy doors on Etsy. These made my heart flutter. At first I thought of getting them for my 10-year-old sister and said to myself, no, she's getting too old for that. Then I scolded myself for thinking such awful thoughts. *No one is ever too old to build fairy houses, Juliana*.



And happy Solstice, all. Now finally the sun will start hanging out with me more. Just what a summer child loves to hear.

xoxo
Juliana

The Meat Of It

I've been home for break for about a day now and have so far crossed two recipes off my to-bake/cook list. While I definitely have the time to make these things while at school, there's a special sort of culinary motivation that only comes from cooking for your family. Whether or not they end up being able to stomach what you make for them, if you're as lucky as I am, you have a handful of loving guinea pigs who are willing to try.

Last night, with some assistance from my little sister, I churned out two loaves of Finnish Christmas bread (following this recipe, noted by Milla in one of her recent posts) and, this afternoon, in accordance with my new vegetarianism, cooked my first batch of seitan.


Some beautiful bread if I do say so myself.

What I learned: a) kneading bread dough with molasses in it can be incredibly frustrating and confusing ("haven't I added enough flour already??") and b) simmering something in vegetable broth and soy sauce for an hour will give you some very, very flavorful stuff. I'm talking about the essence of savory. It's not something I could eat on its own; I'm thinking of incorporating it into a vegetarian spaghetti bolognese, a suggestion made by Claire in her own personal seitan recipe. If you follow the link you'll find a recipe much more personalized and complex (and undoubtedly delicious) than the one I used:



as I wanted to start with the basics. I find it so cool that you can do this whole process from scratch and add whatever you like. I've tried out a few other store-bought meat substitutes, but the daunting unpronounceable ingredient list on most of them, not to mention the simple fact that they're frozen and not fresh, never fails to give me the chills. No labor, no love.

I have yet to ponder what else I might add to my own (I'll certainly be trying out Claire's recipe). And why don't I have a picture of the seitan up? You know why. It looks like brains. As soon as I actually use it in a meal I'll reveal the appetizing-looking version.

I'll also, hopefully, have some unique recipes to share with y'all coming up. With this wonderful holiday time on my hands now, I have plans to cook, bake, cook, bake, write, and hike. And then cook and bake. You'll be hearing from me.

I hope the holiday season finds you all merry and well, and if you happen to be reading this, many thank yous to Milla and Claire for inspiring two delicious recipes that will be made over and over.

xoxo
Juliana

Light, Clean and Green

I never, ever in a million years thought I'd be saying this, but:

It looks like I might be becoming a vegetarian.

I've tried to post about this a few times, but I couldn't seem to write anything that made sense. After all, this is all new to me. I have never looked down on vegetarians, but I've never understood them, either. Eating meat is a natural thing; food chains are built upon the fact. We derive necessary proteins from it, and we are not the only animals who eat other animals. There is nothing wrong with eating meat. Right?

Yet suddenly, after an incident with some ribs, I can't eat it anymore. I feel like a cannibal.

I haven't necessarily justified it, because as a personal and harmless choice, I don't feel the need to. But I have attempted to explain the sudden turning of my appetite with the following logic: regardless of our biological needs and instincts, humans have, whether as an element of evolution or despite it, developed socially and spiritually to the point where each of us may have our own moral code. We may choose to do or not to do certain things that, without conscience, biology would drive us to. And this is also a natural thing.

So no, I no longer believe that animals should be raised and slaughtered and processed in order for me to eat. They don't have to. I can get protein from other places, and I can even eat meat substitutes (currently testing Gardein products; the crispy tenders are deliciously guilt-free).

I've tried to eat meat a few times since my initial realization after the rib incident (explanation: a couple of months ago I ate a half rack of ribs, suddenly felt disgusting, and had to go throw them out in the dumpster because I couldn't bear having them in my apartment). I know myself as a meat lover, after all, and I couldn't quit cold turkey (hah). Each time, however, I've felt the same way: dirty, weighed down, and guilty. When I've gone periods of time without it, eating extra fruit and vegetables and actually less starchy food (just going by what I feel like eating), I feel so much better. Light, clean and green. I feel more pure. Because after all, this is only half about me, the consumer, and the other side of the relationship--the "giving" side--is so much more important. While I can't keep anyone else from eating meat, and don't look down on them for it, I sleep better at night knowing that nothing has died for my "benefit" today.

We are all children of this earth, none above or below any other. If I have the choice not to eat my brothers and sisters, if I can survive and be healthy without eating meat, then I will make that choice.

So while I haven't labeled myself a vegetarian concretely, I'm in the midst of a personal experiment, and it looks to be headed that way. I also came to the conclusion, however, while discussing this with E, that we don't need to label our diets. What we eat is a personal choice, and it doesn't need to follow strict guidelines set by a dictionary definition; only what we feel is right in our hearts and our bellies.

And yes, I ate turkey on thanksgiving, because if I hadn't my abuelita wouldn't have known what to do with me.

xoxo
Juliana

Coffee, Math & Rain

It has been raining all day. The type of silver-skied rain that makes every hour look like seven in the morning. So I feel no shame in waking up at two, making myself breakfast and coffee, and sitting here at my little table by the window with a hot mug in my hands looking out at my beautiful Santa Cruz doing its watering.



All classes were canceled today because of an on-campus strike that I don't completely understand, so I'm very relaxedly working out some ridiculous discrete math problems. The kind where every problem is a challenge problem and finishing one makes you feel like a genius.



This is my perfect day, the kind of day when you don't need music, because mother nature provides it for you.

Rainy Woods

There is no scent more wonderful than that of the earth after it rains.

Get Away From My Mother (Desalination Plants)

Ah, Fall is in full swing. The air is nippy, the trees are glistening gold, I'm wearing my favorite sweater and scarf....

Wait. No. It's 72 degrees and sunny and I'm going to the beach before going to a Halloween party tonight.

It's difficult to tell what's "normal", weather-wise, here in Santa Cruz. While our temperatures throughout the year only span about 30 degrees, you literally never know when it's going to be 72 and sunny or 54 and foggy. What we're in now is our Indian Summer, I suppose, though the environmentalist in me never fails to end up believing wholeheartedly that it shouldn't be like this in late October and this is our fault. And then proceed to go to the beach anyway. Sigh. The dilemma.

My environmental guilt is a nice segue into a magazine that recently caught the bulk of my attention: Growth, a student-produced magazine on the expansion of University of California, Santa Cruz. Relative to overall area and student population, UCSC has the most undeveloped land of any UC (have you been here? We're all trees!), and as the UC system is required to admit the top 12.5% of California's graduating high school class each year (which continues to grow), we are being pushed to expand. Right off the bat, without any sort of logical reasoning, most of us slugs will object to expansion and proceed to sit in a tree. I know that was my reaction the first time I heard of it.


All these pictures from 2007, at the last big protest.

Yet us tree-huggers and tree-sitters and overall tree-appreciators also have a logical side, and I've found it in this magazine. And it doesn't limit itself to trees. In fact, one of the most interesting arguments I found was one about plans for a desalination plant on the Santa Cruz coast.


Can you see the irony in this? (from the city's website promoting the plant)

What does this have to do with expansion? As we use so much of the city's water (although per capita campus water consumption has fallen 40 percent in the last 30 years, maybe because some of us only shower when it rains), no plans for expansion could be approved until, as Growth states, an extension of water and sewer services is approved.



So that brings us to desalination. Without ever thinking too deeply about it, I have always considered this "solution" to be flawed only in how expensive it is. We all know that most of earth's water is saltwater and undrinkable by humans in our current evolutionary stage. The problem is never that saltwater is running out (although its quality, for our marine bros and sistas that live in it, is a whole other issue), but that freshwater is running low. So obviously, it seems reasonable that if we can convert saltwater into drinking water, we should be good on h20 for a long time.

Yeah, kinda not really.


LRDP: Long Range Development Plan.

I was horrified when I realized that I had never thought about what they do with the brine (salt and other minerals) after they extract it from the water.

You know what they do?

THEY PUT IT BACK IN THE OCEAN (or sometimes in landfills) along with other toxic byproducts from the plant.

And do you know how they run the desalination plant itself?

PETROLEUM. COAL. Unless they put in the time and resources to find a renewable energy source (ha).

Hello greenhouse gas emissions and oversalinated marine ecosystems.

Forgive me if I sound like an overemotional ranting hippie. It's what I am. I love trees. I love clean air. I love the goddamn earth beneath my feet. But the ocean? She is my mother. Just as I cannot express in words the love I have for my human mother, I cannot tell you how much it infuriates me when someone messes with the ocean and all her children. And it's not like I can tree-sit the ocean, or trust me I would. For as long as it takes.



I'm sure that right about now you're thinking, well, she sounds like all the rest. Angry about the issues but not presenting a better solution herself. That's pretty true. Environmental studies is a dismal science. But thankfully, Growth does present an alternative: increased effort put into recycled water. More research could also be done to design a more sustainable desalination plant, because their implementation is gaining popularity worldwide and they will happen.

The point is, as Growth states so well:

Plans for expansion are currently stalled by a lawsuit, but the issue won't stay tied up in court forever. In the meantime, arm yourself with knowledge, and figure out where you stand on the matter. Go out into the forest, and find a quiet spot. Listen to the redwoods and firs creaking in the wind, and to birds talking amongst themselves. Poke around for mushrooms, and see if you can spot a salamander. Ask yourself: what does this place mean to me?



Also, god do I love my school.

xoxo
Juliana