After the honeymoon is over — it’s after the desire systems that were dormant in the relationship that have the attraction in it pass and all of it passes — then you are left with the work to do. And it’s the same work. When you trade in one partner for another, you still have the same work. You’re going to have to do it sooner or later when the pizzazz is over. And it just keeps going over. And you can’t milk the romanticism of relationship too long as you become more conscious. It’s more interesting than that. It really is. And people want to romanticize their lives all the time. It’s part of the culture. But the awakening process starts to show you the emptiness of that forum. And you start to go for something deeper. You start to go to meet another human being in truth. And truth is scary. Truth has bad breath at times; truth is boring; truth burns the food; truth is all the stuff. Truth has anger; truth has all of it. And you stay in it and you keep working with it and your keep opening to it and you keep deepening it. Every time you trade in a partner, you realize that there’s no good or bad about it. I’m not talking good or bad about this.
But you begin to see how you keep coming to the same place in relationships, and then you tend to stop because it gets too heavy – because your identity gets threatened too much. For the relationship to move to the next level of truth requires an opening and a vulnerability that you’re not quite ready to make. And so you entrench, you retrench, you pull back and then you start to judge and push away and then you move to the next one. And then you have the rush of the openness and then the same thing starts to happen. And so you keep saying “Where am I going to find the one when this doesn’t happen?” And it will only happen when it doesn’t happen in you. When you start to take and watch the stuff and get quiet enough inside yourself, so you can take that process as it’s happening and start to work with it. And keep coming back to living truth in yourself or the other person even though it’s scary and hard.
-Ram Dass
Allow me to present a hypothesis.
Love is accepting the truth; embracing the process; deciding to put in the time and the effort. True love happens when, as the name would suggest, one understands and accepts who one truly is, and is secure enough to share it with another who has found that same truth within themselves. It's when, after discovering what piece of the puzzle you are, you find another puzzle piece, also aware of itself, that fits you.
Yet, conversely, you are unlike a puzzle piece in the way that you yourself are a whole. You complete yourself. You do not need other pieces to define you.
I think that only when I stop wondering what other piece will fit me, what being will become aware of its truth and mine, will I become whole and true. Only when I let go will I be able to, perhaps, link myself with another in a way deeper than that which I've known.
You come to the same place in each relationship. The excitement and the bliss will eventually reveal, beneath them, the same work. It is only when I and another understand this, accept this, and commit to sharing reality together that love will evolve and endure.
What I don't know is whether this analysis is a sign of growth or being stuck in a pondering rut.
ah, i love this bit from ram dass. it seems to be going around on fb, and little bits of it have been staying with me. every word of it is true, and it is exactly where my own relationship is at. the work really can't be done without help though, and that can be the hard part....as a low income family, weekly couples therapy is not something we can afford, nor is there time available for doing it on our own. it's a rub.
ReplyDeletei think your "analysis" is what happens when we are single (are you single?) and we are readying ourselves for the next adventure in relationship. the thing about pondering, is even if the realizations are hard, it's still a lot easier than the actual work...which can feel like beating your head on a rock.
thank you for your ponderings...rut or not, i like being invited on little wanderings in your own psyche. :)
Until I posted this, read your comments, and did a lot of further pondering, I was teetering on the edge of being single and being in a defined relationship. I had this anxiety about moving forward, unsure of whether or not it was "meant to be", but I realized that (perhaps stating it too simply) it was not about guessing what fate had in store, but about taking control of my own life and making my own decisions. So I did--it was easier than I thought--and now I'm in it.
DeleteI wish you the best of luck with your own work, wishing more that I was in a position to give helpful advice.
This piece contains some of my long-term thoughts on long-term relationships, perhaps minus the processing language. I've always believed that at some point you just choose a partner you stick it out with and frankly, aside from similar goals and values and mutual attraction and all that, whatever your non-negotiables, it doesn't much matter who it is.
ReplyDelete.There, I said it. You pick a partner and you dance the dance with them.
Some of us never bother to learn the steps, moving from partner to partner, always falling over the same left-hand underarm twirl, while others patiently (and sometimes not patiently at all!) keep trying to master the moves. With a new partner you start over, you do the haphazard rhumba, or moshpit for a while and then you realize that unless you can both agree on the steps you will never be dancing to the same rhythm. And sometimes, I'm sure, one discovers that after 30 years you're still doing the waltz, but your partner has moved onto the polka.
It seems like a lot of us learn more than one dance in a lifetime...
I like your analysis too, I think it's accurate. I also agree with Mary, and also think that this kind of pondering is the first step in readying oneself for the battle. Only through this realization can one really invest themselves fully in a relationship.
Happy New Year, dear and thanks for your thoughts!
"You pick a partner and you dance the dance with them". This resonates with me. My parents have had a wonderful 25 year relationship, but whenever people say "you two are soul mates", "you're so in love", or "you're so lucky", they always counter with "well, we've worked really hard at it". I don't doubt they love each other to pieces, but I do think making the choice to work at it is what guarantees a lasting relationship.
DeleteHappy New Year!