Ahimsa

Today I learned what it means to put another's needs before your own.
Today I learned what it means to stop, to reflect, to realize that just because this feels right to you, it may not be the right thing for the other person.

I've spent years focusing on myself and my own needs because that is what I needed. To heal, to root, to grow. For a time this is often all the emerging spirit can do. What am I, what do I need, what do I yearn for. This is good. This is healthy. This has a limit.

I wanted to see him, wanted to reconnect, wanted to help heal the wounds I inflicted. I thought I had to be there to help him. I was wrong.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is leave.

I saw and felt the pain in him and I knew it was because of me and I collapsed inside and I knew I had done wrong. I knew I had gone too far, talked too much, laughed too much, touched too much.

Or maybe it was just enough for us both to know: this is the end. Maybe.

Know yourself well enough to know the effect that you have on others. Know yourself well enough to stop.

I have never felt so humbled. In the presence of a soul so strong and so beautiful I saw that I was doing nothing but holding it back. In my heart I bowed to him and slowly stepped back and let him go.

I let go. It hurts me but that doesn't matter, because he's all that matters now. I will no longer let my wants get in the way of his needs.

I no longer know what love means. It is silly, really, to try and put the fire in our beings into one word. The term encompasses so much, and in its vastness generates so much confusion. I love you, I said. I will always love you. But though the words were true, they could not possibly communicate to him what I felt. I love you but I can't. That was all I could say. And to a healing heart, those words are daggers.

You are perfect. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are more than these earthly words could ever describe.

I have learned my lesson.

I am so sorry.

Ahimsa. Nonviolence. Do not injure.

Heart Opener

My writing muscles are severely atrophied, friends. Thankfully, the course I'm currently taking in economic rhetoric has several 6-8 minute mandatory freewrites each class, and this was the product of one such session. Of course it's about yoga, as that is the channel through which my spirit expresses itself nowadays. This is the first time I've been able to put what the practice means to me into more or less understandable words. The prompt for this freewrite was write about something you spend a lot of time on that you want to get better at. Here it is with some minor edits (punctuation tends to take a backseat when I write that quickly).



I spend a lot of time on yoga. It is not necessarily because I want to get better at it; it is more because I want to negate the notion of “better” and immerse myself in the present moment as much as I can. I used to spend a lot (maybe all) of my time thinking about the future, thinking “I’ll be happy when this happens” or “I’ll be happy when I become this”. The irony is that none of those things would come without immersion in the present.

Yoga teaches, and has taught me, to notice the present instead of planning for better things in the future (planning for the future is not a negative thing; it was just something I needed to minimize in my own life).
Notice your breathing, notice what is worrying you; don’t necessarily try to change it, just be aware of it.

For example, yoga has a list of what you would call “behavioral guidelines”: the yamas and niyamas. I’ve only just begun to study them, but the impression I’ve gotten is that instead of preaching “rights” and condemning “wrongs”, it teaches you to notice and be aware of your thoughts, actions, and feelings. It has been my experience that this brings about positive change in a natural, rather than forced, way, and that these changes are different for every individual.

I became an almost vegan.
I started listening to my body.
I stopped watching TV every day; my mind and my body wanted something different.
I stopped hating (I still dislike).
I learned to recognize the difference between what I can change and what I cannot, and to take action in the case of the former and learn acceptance in the case of the latter.
I’m slowly learning the true meaning of “attachment leads to suffering”, and that it does not mean stop loving, but stop needing to possess what you love.

Yoga teaches you to teach yourself.




I feel it in the core of my being, an ocean rising in me, rushing through me. I look inside and see beaming light in my heart.

Behavioral economics teaches that there are two selves: the experiencing self and the remembering self. The experiencing self exists in the present ("living in the moment", with a moment defined as a span of about 3 seconds). The remembering self is made up of memories, including plans for future memories.

The two selves define well-being very differently. The experiencing self asks the question: am I happy right now? The remembering self asks: am I satisfied with my life?

Both have a place; both are important. I used to be unhappy in both aspects because I focused entirely on the satisfaction of the remembering self. I made no effort to fill each moment with joy. Once I did, the gap began to close. I became full and I began to expand. Abundant and vast, content and hungry for more.



Happy friday, beautiful beings.

xoxo
Juliana

Roots

Down, out and around
I dig my fingers
Into the earth
Of my body
Feeling for tendrils
Woven together

Eyes looking inward
I search for my roots
The seeds of my spirit
The beat of my heart

Down, out and around
I dig my toes
Into the sand
Of my soul
Piecing together
Fragmented boulders

Eyes looking inward
I search for my roots
The seeds of my spirit
The beat of my heart




xoxo
Juliana